it’s a complicated fear that grows with every year…

y

awn.

This winter has come swiftly,
And windswept like the trees,
I wrap myself in tired coats
And hum myself songs I never wrote.

These hymns I sing alone
Remind me so of home,
Where you waited with arms outstretched,
And you were waiting for me.
And you were waiting for me.

And I’m terrified that somehow
I will forget that lonely sound,
That so strongly carries your memory
With everything you mean to me.

So I sing myself to sleep
And I whistle when I breathe,
And I am living our music,
Because I so desperately need it.

before the gleam of your tailights fading east to find yourself a better life…

if i didn’t care about repetition, about half of these posts would be titled with the names of explosions in the sky songs.

but i do, so they aren’t.

I am grateful for this,
Today, the day of days.
The nowest I shall ever be,
And clearest I have ever gazed.

And such promise I saw,
Such futures I could see,
Dreams of what we are
And hopes for us to be.

And oh, all was mysticism!
All was shadow! And all was light!
For the day had come but broken,
And bled back into night.

Yet I am grateful still,
For the life that I am given,
For the air that I breathe,
For the actions I am forgiven.

And my, all was reality!
And all came clear,
And my hopes and my dreams,
Do not exist yet here.

Yet I am grateful still,
For the life that I am given,
For the air that I breathe,
For the actions I am forgiven,
For the truth I now see.

and i am thinking of what sarah said, that love is watching someone die…

Beauty was never meant to be kept by one person. And strength is not about holding on when you have to, and it is not about stopping when you must. Beauty is the abstract sense that something will change your life for the better. And strength is about holding on when you don’t have to, and stopping when no one is telling you that you must. Life is not an individual pursuit. Its aspects aren’t things to be catalogued and kept for future reference. We are nothing if not amalgamations of what life has given us. We cannot choose to separate the love from the hate, and we cannot choose to think of only beauty. We are not given the right to choose every battle. We are not given the choice of winning or losing. We are, however, given the right to choose how each battle will be fought. We can determine for ourselves, what we are fighting for.

Nous sommes tout deux victimes de ce doux jeu d’amants…

dance dance dance

yeah!

dance dance dance

yeah!

dance. dance. dance.

yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Je pense que c’est tellement vrai,
Que je t’aime et je t’adore, mais
Je serai toujours moi,
Est-ce que tu seras toujours toi ?

Le vent est déjà une belle chanson,
Nous devons dire « écoutons ! »
La musique, elle est triste et son bruit est vieux
Mais il n’y a pas une chose que j’aime mieux.

i am looking forward to the shadows tracing bones…

AHHH

There are days I feel as if I am more finely tuned to listening to the world. Days I feel like I am awake. Really awake. And these days, old habits and comfortable truths just seem like laziness to me. Or rather, ingratitude. Hope should never be replaced by assumption. These days, I hold my breath in tunnels, and I cry at night. I hope. I pray. I do my best never to assume. I am terrified that the sun may not return. I experience unbridled joy each time the sun does. But I tell myself constantly to never settle into the habit of expecting the sun to rise. I sit myself outside and I wait. I hope. I pray. I am here for the sun. I am here for the sun’s light and warmth. I am earnestly waiting. But I am not expecting the sun. I am hoping for the sun.

oh, we’re sinking like stones, all that we fought for, all those places we’ve gone, all of us are done for…

one of my absolute favorite feelings.

I walked today, around the town;
The night was young and clear of clouds,
The air tasted clean, like the promise of tomorrow,
Yet I was filled with such extreme sorrow,

And I could not describe to myself,
That emotion that I felt.
I looked to the azure ceiling,
And again, was filled with such feeling.

It was melancholy, yet it was hopeful.
It was nostalgic, yet it was so new.
It was forgiving, and so remorseful.
It engulfed me, but there was nothing to do.

My heart was brimming with emotion,
My mind swimming in silver memories.
I was lost in the earth’s delicate motion,
As I tried to hold the tremors within me.

And I felt, in that one moment,
So complete, and so utterly human,
Swept up in the heavens’ movement.
It enveloped me, but there was nothing to do.

So I sat today, and I watched the sun.
I watched as it bade me farewell,
I watched as it completed its daily run,
And I cried to myself as the night fell.

in your love, my salvation lies in your love…

sleep.

Gray as my breath is this day,
The steam rises with a swift grace,
And it takes with it my body’s warmth,
Away to the atmosphere, what it was meant for.

And if each exhalation in my life
Is not wasted on just me and what I have inside,
If each rise and fall of this chest of mine
Can bring the solitary stars in the sky
Any amount of comfort in their endless movement,
Then I’ll be happy with just that one accomplishment.

blood on the floor, fleas on their paws and you cried til the morning…

so late

The night surrounds and embraces me,
And lovers have no better covers than she,
And below, the earth is warm and remains
A part of me through the winter winds and autumn rains.

so glad to meet you, angeles…

i’m going to bed.

poem!

And so she left me here
And she spoke as one would to a crying child,
“Remember just one thing my dear,
A sad smile is still always a smile.”

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

it’s strange

i am always tired.

but weary eyes make everything around me seem so comfortable.

hmmm.

anyways.

sigur ros, for 4 hours, equals this.

I constantly hear people say how they feel like things are going too well. That something must go wrong soon because everything feels so right. But it seems to me that this is true no matter what the situation is. That life is a constant stream of crescendos and decrescendos. Climaxes and Catharses. Anytime you have a period of happiness, the moment before things begin to sour is the moment of your highest happiness. Anytime you have a period of misery, the moment before your spirits lift is your lowest moment. The idea that night is darkest before dawn. And this still holds true for the daylight. The sun will be its brightest and highest before it darkens and sets. And this is a constant back and forth. A search for balance that is constant, but rarely attained. The night will forever chase the day, and the day will forever follow the night. Happiness will forever follow sadness, and sadness will pervade wherever happiness has found a home. But what you must remember always, is that these changes are constant, but the times in between are temporary. You must never give up hope. You must always fight and live for the periods of happiness. They will be consistent, but not constant. They may be lost, but they may always be regained. They may not be permanent, but they can be held onto. They may not be what you expect, but they are everything to live for.